does it seem like life is bucolic here at Chez Swine? that it’s all weekends spent frolicking with dyes, days spent knitting and woodlands filled with lunaria?
well, here is your chance to cackle with glee.
this story is so gross, so totally disgusting that I actually threw up a little bit as it was happening. if you have a weak stomach you may want to leave now. I am not joking.
you still here?
well, can’t say I didn’t warn you.
First, a little background information: I like junk. My house is decorated with many fabulous ‘finds’ from the side of the road. People throw out the very best things. I am always amazed at what people are willing to part with. I have absolutely no qualms about throwing my car in reverse and jumping out to retrieve something from the side of the road. I even peek over the edge of dumpsters when neighbors are having a re-do.
So this evening after dropping Daughter #2 at a friend’s house, I ran to the store to get a gallon of milk. Imagine my delight when I saw an old fashioned milk box just sitting on the side of the road! You know those tin boxes that the milkman of yesteryear used to leave the day’s milk delivery on the front step? Quickly I threw Onslow into neutral and threw the milkbox into the trunk. I marveled the whole way home at how lucky I am and how good I seem to be a finding this stuff.
When I pulled into the garage, I momentarily considered leaving the box in Onslow and dealing with it tomorrow. I spent the whole afternoon gardening and was dirty and tired.
Thankfully, I had noticed some trash in the bottom of the box and thought that I better deal with it. Thank God I did this, otherwise I would have to buy a new car.
You will never guess what was underneath the trash in the bottom of that box.
I swear to God, I think it was human excrement.
Yes, a pile of shit. Shit from the hole of a human.
It is also very lucky that I decided to attack the trash with a stick, rather than my hand.
The point at which I discovered this heaping pile of shit was also the point it was mostly cleaned out.
What to do? Do I throw this stinking box into my own trash can??? Or do I stand 100 yds. away and hit it with the hose and lethal doses of Tilex?
WWVD? (Vicki is a fellow junker)
yes, I took the hose option.
That section of my yard looks like a deluge hit it.
Between the Tilex and the force of the water, I don’t expect grass to grow there anymore.
Even though I am sure I didn’t get any on me, I have washed my hands at least seven times and taken one scalding hot bath. I still feel a bit on the skanky side.
So now what??
Do I keep this thing? on the porch. it will never cross my threshold.
Will I ever get past the imagery of this terrible evening? Will I ever be able to look at this and not think of crap??
or do I throw it away?
and then someone will come along and think they’ve discovered a treasure.
who in the hell is shitting into milkboxes anyway???