the dark side…..

does it seem like life is bucolic here at Chez Swine?  that it’s all weekends spent frolicking with dyes, days spent knitting and woodlands filled with lunaria?

do you hate me for it?Happybunny

well, here is your chance to cackle with glee.

this story is so gross, so totally disgusting that I actually threw up a little bit as it was happening.   if you have a weak stomach you may want to leave now.  I am not joking.

you still here? 

well, can’t say I didn’t warn you.

First, a little background information:  I like junk.  My house is decorated with many fabulous ‘finds’ from the side of the road.  People throw out the very best things.  I am always amazed at what people are willing to part with.  I have absolutely no qualms about throwing my car in reverse and jumping out to retrieve something from the side of the road.  I even peek over the edge of dumpsters when neighbors are having a re-do.

So this evening after dropping Daughter #2 at a friend’s house, I ran to the store to get a gallon of milk.  Imagine my delight when I saw an old fashioned milk box just sitting on the side of the road!  You know those tin boxes that the milkman of yesteryear used to leave the day’s milk delivery on the front step?  Quickly I threw Onslow into neutral and threw the milkbox into the trunk.  I marveled the whole way home at how lucky I am and how good I seem to be a finding this stuff.

When I pulled into the garage, I momentarily considered leaving the box in Onslow and dealing with it tomorrow.  I spent the whole afternoon gardening and was dirty and tired. 

Thankfully, I had noticed some trash in the bottom of the box and thought that I better deal with it.  Thank God I did this, otherwise I would have to buy a new car.

You will never guess what was underneath the trash in the bottom of that box. 

I swear to God, I think it was human excrement.

Yes, a pile of shit.  Shit from the hole of a human.

It is also very lucky that I decided to attack the trash with a stick, rather than my hand.

The point at which I discovered this heaping pile of shit was also the point it was mostly cleaned out.

What to do?  Do I throw this stinking box into my own trash can???  Or do I stand 100 yds. away and hit it with the hose and lethal doses of Tilex? 

WWVD?  (Vicki is a fellow junker)

yes, I took the hose option. 

That section of my yard looks like a deluge hit it. 

Between the Tilex and the force of the water, I don’t expect grass to grow there anymore.

Even though I am sure I didn’t get any on me, I have washed my hands at least seven times and taken one scalding hot bath.  I still feel a bit on the skanky side.

So now what??

Do I keep this thing?  on the porch.  it will never cross my threshold.

Will I ever get past the imagery of this terrible evening? Will I ever be able to look at this and not think of crap??

or do I throw it away? 

and then someone will come along and think they’ve discovered a treasure.

who in the hell is shitting into milkboxes anyway???

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16 thoughts on “the dark side…..

  1. Wow! I’m glad I wasn’t home for this little discovery…I would have been the one with the hose. If it is so important to have a milk box go to ebay and buy one.

  2. Oh my God, Ann. I have dumped (pardon the pun) many a questionable thing from a “treasure” before, but never, EVER have I heard of such a thing. And ewwwwwwwww. Lauren/Almost Felted had centipedes on her blog and now you’ve got real poop — what a day!! Anyway, the story will be much more long-lasting and entertaining than the thing. Out, damn milkbox, out! Ew.

  3. We had a milk box in Hingham…next time I am up there I can steal one for you. We had milk delivery too. Gosh I loved that. Turkey pies. And bread. Hornstra Farms. Much better than our milk service in the UK. Little glass pints with foil lids. No milk box…the slugs just climbed on up.

    Thanks for sharing Ann. You know how I like me a good poo story. Could you knit a milk box and take the poo off of your fry up and add it to the milk box?

  4. I think the skeeve factor alone would be a bit much for me. Great story though. The sad part is that if someone picks it up after you chuck it, they’ll never know what had happened… Which has its own malicious appeal. (Put it atthe endof teh driveway with a piece of paper that says “free” and let the games begin… :)

  5. Imagine my surprise when I missed my daily reading of “the swine” and tuned in to get the “Monday morning quarterbacking”. Ew, that was no treasure. You are a better person than me. I would not have even attempted but it put it on the curb and have some unsuspecting soul pick it up and find that…worse, think it was my household. OMG!! The stigma… Pitch it….

  6. Why is it that we can smilingly wipe the butts of our precious babies for several years without gagging (much), but once they’re semi-grown, we revert to the normal state of absolute revulsion for anything even remotely resembling excrement?

    You are a better woman than I. I’d have screamed and run away.

  7. smelly cat smelly cat what are they feeding you? smelly cat smelly cat its not your fault! i dont know why im here i was looking for smurf pics and unfortunatly found this stupid thing goodbye

  8. hahaha ONly YOU Ann! Let me ask you, How do we know What an items story is, if its purchased on ebay??? You can turn around and sell that poop box for zillions!

  9. You need to put it in a tag sale this summer. Someone like me will come along and rave about it and buy it, probably even saying she’s going to store her knitting in it, and you can smile, pocket the money and know a kindred spirit has it ,sans the shit memory.
    Great story though!

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