what do you get when you cross Oprah & a cheesecake?

You know how Oprah looks way, way different before her beauty crew gets its collective hands on her? How she doesn’t even look like the same person??

Well, here is a step by step guide to performing miracles on a store bought cheesecake.

Although, the cheesecake won’t look as different as Oprah does.

I am just one woman afterall — Oprah has a team.

Step One: Go to Costco
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  • Start with a plain cheese cake from Costco.
  • Notice how cheap it is.
  • Ask yourself, ‘can I make a cheesecake that tastes this good for that much money?’.
  • Answer yourself, ‘ no.’
  • Notice the helpful little lines etched into the topping as if to connote a serving size. 
  • Scoff at these.

Step Two:  transfer to lovely cake plate that you got as a wedding gift and thought you would never use.

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The title of this one says it all. Use caution! This is a very very delicate procedure. If for any reason you feel the cake will fall apart during this procedure then don’t transfer it. Simply cut the plastic serving thing that Costo provides as close to the cake as you can get. No one will notice, especially if you are the one to cut and serve the cake. Please also be sure to eat up any bits that get stuck to this plastic serving tray. Leaving them will throw off your cost/benefit analysis.

Step Three: action verbs:  grating, peeling, melting

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Remember when your good friend had that Pampered Chef Party? remember how you didn’t really want to go, but you dragged your sorry ass there since it was your friend and you heard they were serving wine? Remember how everything was so expensive, but you would feel guilty if you didn’t buy something, considering all the wine you drank? And you picked that grater thing? Well, where the hell did you put it, cause you’re gonna need it!   And once you drag it out from the way back of the cupboard, why not give it a little rinse …..
  • grate some chocolate on top of the cake
  • notice that it looks like pepper
  • decide to make chocolate curls
  • discover that it will curl better if you zap the chocolate for 6 seconds in the microwave.
  • doesn’t it look much better? think it still needs something? 
  • melt the extra chocolate in the microwave and drizzle on top of the cake.
  • It works better if you use a fork and kind of do a little flicking motion.
  • discover that you may want to set the cake in the sink for the ‘flicking’ motion part.

Step Four: marvel at your thrifty cleverness & experience smug self satisfaction.
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*please note that the dome of the cake stand, while not the dome that goes with the pedestal, is indeed resting on the base.

** (yes, that does mean I have more than one cake stand!)

Step Five: clean up the mess that Kathleen makes

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When you offer Kathleen a beverage, she will like to have a beer from the keg that your Boar keeps in the basement.  While you are out of the kitchen, Kathleen will seize this opportunity to fling your cake dome around. 

She is either jealous of your clever way with baked goods or your cake plate collection. 

Thank your lucky stars you didn’t use your ‘good’ cake plate.

Use this as leverage to get her to pose with the cake.

  "Look! She likes it.  She really likes it!!"

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