what do you get when you cross Oprah & a cheesecake?

You know how Oprah looks way, way different before her beauty crew gets its collective hands on her? How she doesn’t even look like the same person??

Well, here is a step by step guide to performing miracles on a store bought cheesecake.

Although, the cheesecake won’t look as different as Oprah does.

I am just one woman afterall — Oprah has a team.

Step One: Go to Costco
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  • Start with a plain cheese cake from Costco.
  • Notice how cheap it is.
  • Ask yourself, ‘can I make a cheesecake that tastes this good for that much money?’.
  • Answer yourself, ‘ no.’
  • Notice the helpful little lines etched into the topping as if to connote a serving size. 
  • Scoff at these.

Step Two:  transfer to lovely cake plate that you got as a wedding gift and thought you would never use.

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The title of this one says it all. Use caution! This is a very very delicate procedure. If for any reason you feel the cake will fall apart during this procedure then don’t transfer it. Simply cut the plastic serving thing that Costo provides as close to the cake as you can get. No one will notice, especially if you are the one to cut and serve the cake. Please also be sure to eat up any bits that get stuck to this plastic serving tray. Leaving them will throw off your cost/benefit analysis.

Step Three: action verbs:  grating, peeling, melting

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Remember when your good friend had that Pampered Chef Party? remember how you didn’t really want to go, but you dragged your sorry ass there since it was your friend and you heard they were serving wine? Remember how everything was so expensive, but you would feel guilty if you didn’t buy something, considering all the wine you drank? And you picked that grater thing? Well, where the hell did you put it, cause you’re gonna need it!   And once you drag it out from the way back of the cupboard, why not give it a little rinse …..
  • grate some chocolate on top of the cake
  • notice that it looks like pepper
  • decide to make chocolate curls
  • discover that it will curl better if you zap the chocolate for 6 seconds in the microwave.
  • doesn’t it look much better? think it still needs something? 
  • melt the extra chocolate in the microwave and drizzle on top of the cake.
  • It works better if you use a fork and kind of do a little flicking motion.
  • discover that you may want to set the cake in the sink for the ‘flicking’ motion part.

Step Four: marvel at your thrifty cleverness & experience smug self satisfaction.
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*please note that the dome of the cake stand, while not the dome that goes with the pedestal, is indeed resting on the base.

** (yes, that does mean I have more than one cake stand!)

Step Five: clean up the mess that Kathleen makes

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When you offer Kathleen a beverage, she will like to have a beer from the keg that your Boar keeps in the basement.  While you are out of the kitchen, Kathleen will seize this opportunity to fling your cake dome around. 

She is either jealous of your clever way with baked goods or your cake plate collection. 

Thank your lucky stars you didn’t use your ‘good’ cake plate.

Use this as leverage to get her to pose with the cake.

  "Look! She likes it.  She really likes it!!"

18 thoughts on “what do you get when you cross Oprah & a cheesecake?

  1. So are you using a Rubber Maid cake carrier from now on with this rowdy bunch? :) I hope you had a lovely time lst night. I would have rather been at your house! :)

  2. I have been waiting with baited breath to hear of the festivities of last night…keep going. But now I can at least start the many tasks I have to do. Oh that Kathleen, oooooooooo. She must have been mortified. Give us more Anne!!!

  3. So you go through all that trouble to spice up the cheesecake because of Katy’s bitching and moaning and then she breaks your cake plate, tsk tsk tsk.

    Of course as we always say in my neighborhood, it ain’t a party until something breaks.

  4. Oh my GAWD. I am truly guffawing. Really, Ann, you’re a one-woman DYNAMO with a cheesecake and some chocolate, a grater and a fork — and all that flinging! I think you should have your own show! Heheh, I second the motion for Rubbermaid… that Katy!

  5. Could you take some less attractive pictures of me next time? ;) And who wanted the beer? I would have drank anything! Give me a freaking Pepsi for goodness sakes!

    Seriously, I had such a fun time. I haven’t laughed that much in a while. Thanks again Ann and sorry for the breaking the cake dome. Did you mention it barely fit?

  6. Oh, nobody should be flinging cake domes. That is just not good party etiquette, regardless of how many beers one has. (looks like a riotous good time!)

    P.S. I have a similar recipe for chicken pot pie. I got it from a friend….I was so gullible, we were at a potluck and I was oohing and ahhing about the chicken pot pie, and she said, “Email me and I’ll give you the recipe.” So I did. It started out exactly like your recipe above. Duh!

  7. ROFL!! What a hilarious post! I’ll definitely remember this the next time I take it into my head to try to fancy something up from Costco! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

  8. Pingback: “and now I’m getting squishes” « purlingswine

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