telling it like it is

a number of things have been on my mind and this blog is figuring into all of them. 

At some point last week, I phoned my lifelong best friend to see how things were going.  We usually talk a few times a week, but time had gotten away from us and I hadn’t spoken to her for a bit.  It turns out things were not good with her.  She hadn’t called me because she had been reading the blog, thought things were so wonderful that she didn’t want to bring me down.

The festival was fantastic.  More fun than I can describe.  But things are not wonderful. Vicki and Cara were privy to the unfolding of this little drama and Vicki just sent me an email asking what was going on.  As I was replying to her email, I thought about the reasons I have this blog and why I should/shouldn’t put all of this on here.  There really is no reason not to just put it all out there —- I just don’t want to feel harassed in the comments.

anyway, my mind is about to burst with all of this, plus I need to go and live a life so I will just copy the email I sent back to Vicki.

of course, it all has to do with dogs.

so, the dog situation……

I have been in a complete turmoil since I got home on Sunday night.  As you know, Boar had called me at the festival to say he thought we needed to put Mo to sleep.  Mo is the shih tzu, he has been throwing up since the beginning of the summer.  When I took him to the vet in May,  they did blood tests, saw that his liver enzyme levels were out of whack and wanted to do ultrasound and other tests to figure out what the problem with his liver is.

My feeling was and is that at a certain point in a dog’s life (mo is 10, not old, but also not young), there is little sense in pursuing these things.  Whatever was/is the matter with his liver was nothing I would be willing to finance.  As you know, the liver is a major organ and is largely unfixable without loads of medical interference and surgeries.  I am willing to get things fixed, I am not going to buy time.

So I decided to keep Mo comfortable and see him through to his end.  When John called, he said that Mo had thrown up blood.

On top of this unfolding story is the story of the dog fight, which resulted in Poe having his eye hurt.

So on Monday, I spent the day trying to work up the nerve to call the vet and make an appointment for Mo.  The thing was, he didn’t seem to be in any pain and hadn’t thrown up.  In fact, he was eating like a horse.  Between crying jags, I decided to wait until Wednesday.  putting the emotional turmoil on hold.

On Wednesday, Boar took Poe for a re-check and I asked him to also talk to the vet about Mo and his lack of pain symptoms and what we should look for.  I have bowed out of the vet process since I am hardly able to keep it together.

you need to know that we go to a practice of vets and Poe was being seen by a different Dr. than Mo.

So, the news on Poe is on the edge of being horrible.  He has no vision in the eye.  The Dr.  is a bit stumped, since the optic nerve and retina look fine and healthy.  He is figuring that there is pressure behind the eye that is causing the problem.  He has prescribed a steriod to reduce any swelling, but Poe can’t start it until Saturday since it has an averse reaction to another medication he was on.

On the other hand, the news on Mo is guardedly good.  Keeping in mind that this vet didn’t actually see Mo – he took a look at the charts and said that this could be as simple as an ulcer.  Sent John home with some anti biotic for Mo.  Mo continues to eat like a horse and is keeping it all down.  Yesterday  he had three pork chops, sans bone.

I on the other hand, am sick to my own freakin stomach over all of this. 

Here the puppy is possibly going to lose the eye (Boar and vet are hopeful, I am feeling very bleak) and little Mo has been in such bad shape for so long when it could be something so easily fixable.  argh!

to top it all off, D#2 just discovered that she lost an heirloom earring —– a little diamond heart earring that my Mother in law had made for her using diamonds from my deceased father in law’s band.  We have both been through her room/laundry/everywhere looking for it.

I have been crying off and on for this whole week.  Which is incredibly unlike me.  I don’t know what has come over me.  I am your friend that you hardly ever see cry.  The analytical one.  The logical one.  The one you think you should put in charge of your will, the part about no heroic measures because I never fall to pieces.

I am a fucking mess.

22 thoughts on “telling it like it is

  1. The way you describe yourself sounds a lot like my sister, great in a crisis, unflappable, etc. And she too has times when she is overwhelmed. You seem to be coping with a lot of losses (imminent or actual), and are dealing with them in your own way. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!

  2. You came back to reality with a thud.
    Our dogs are our kids and such an important part of our lives. We are fearful for our Murphy these days so I know what you are going through.
    Hugs to you!

  3. Sweet baby. You’ve had a REALLY hard time of this and I had no idea! Thank you for putting it out there.

    Animals are the worst kind of love. They can’t talk to you! They can’t tell you if they are okay or just horrible. Just stick with your gut. If the pooches are eating and lovin then they are ultimately fine. If Poe’s eye is lost – it’s no biggy. He will learn to live without. It stinks to see your “babies” hurting.

    As for the earing – you heard the engagement ring story right? I lost my now husbands deceased mother’s wedding band after four months of engagement (he proposed with it.) It turned up (in a bag of parsley in the refrig.) two months later!!! Don’t give up hope. It’ll turn up. Maybe the dogs ate it?! ;)

  4. aww annie, i am so sorry things are so rough. Po WILL be fine, you’re pessimistic because of your other one eyed animals. It doesnt mean it will happen to him. And Mo! awww I bet he will be Okay too! Keep Your chin up
    ( and your roots down) I love ya and will be thinking positive thoughts for you & all your loved ones. xox

  5. I’m so sorry about this veterinary news, but don’t despair. Dogs can be amazing at rebounding, and they may surprise you. (And sight isn’t as important to them as it is to us, though I’d hate for my boy to lose an eye . . . I could deal as long as I still had HIM.) It’s just a lot at once!

    And, the earring? I agree–don’t give up hope! My grandmother lost her diamond ring on the beach once, and my grandfather found it for her–two feet down in the sand. I lost a ring at school once and found it the next day on the floor in front on my locker (says a lot for the janitorial staff, huh?) And then there was the necklace I found in the middle of the street the day after I’d lost it, having been run over by who knows how many cars, but still in one piece. There’s always hope!

  6. I’m tearing up–I know how you feel about always being the one that’s a rock and how hard it can be to share your pain. Thank you for trusting us all.

    Many hugs and prayers and all the best wishes to you, your family–including your beloved pets! I only wish that I could deliver the good wishes in person. Much love to you from me, Steve, and our kitties!

  7. Goddamnit! You spend three days with me and you’re a crying fool! It’s all my fault. Blame me! I cry at the drop of a hat. If you ever, ever need someone to cry with – call me! And I’m good at all hours of the night. I know you’ve got the number.

    I’m so, so sorry about Poe. But like Wendy said, if he loses the eye, it will be okay. Dogs are resilient. Especially your dogs. (Can I be blamed for the eye thing too? I mean, they had the fight while I was on the phone. Just call me Guilt Girl.) And MO! Look at that bad boy! He’ll make a liar out of you yet.

    I also agree that the earring may turn up. When and where you least expect it. And you know what – it’s just an earring. Sure it’s important, but it’s not the most important. I used to wear my Aunt’s wedding rings. They meant so much to me – so, so much. I lost them. And I never found them. Honestly, I haven’t thought about them in years. I think about my Aunt all the time though. She’s what’s important – not the rings. And I don’t need them to remind me of her.

    I wish I was there to give you a big, wet kiss and call you chunkilicious and you could call me a tramp and we could sing Barry Manilow together and we’d laugh so hard we’d cry. And everything would be okay.

    I’m here if you need me, sweets. Any time. L, C

  8. Damn, are you feeling the love? It’s coming at you, all wrapped up in hugs. Great big hugs.

    Yet another way, may I say, in which we are alike. I was just on the phone with one of my sisters the other day, she blah-blah-blahed about her life and then apologized for dumping on me and complained that I never dump anything back. I don’t know what it is — being the eldest, the “responsible” one, a good listener? I always play stuff close to the vest (yet I’m sure I’d suck big-time at poker).

    I believe, too, in the amazing abilities of animals. Just look at little Mo and what a turn-around. I hope that Poe will recover and that this loss is only temporary, but even if not, he’s young and strong and he’ll be fine.

    I hope Lizzie’s lost earring turns up, too. Don’t give up!

    Sending MORE love and [{{(hugs)}}] to you all!

  9. I think your pups will do fine. It’s just been a long haul of worrying that’s got you worn thin.

    Do you know the flashlight trick for finding diamonds? Turn the lights off in the room, get down, flat on the floor and scan the flashlight along the floorizon. A diamond will catch the light and cast you a rescue beacon. Try it in every probable room, closet, etc.

    I think the diamond might be in a car. though.

  10. Ann,

    Just stopped in to say hi and tell you how much I enjoyed meeting you at Rhinebeck. I wish I had had more time to hang out with you.

    I am so sorry about your pups. Having sick dogs is the worst, isn’t it? I hated it when my dog got ill. I totally understand how you are feeling.

    I hope that they will be fine and give you more love and joy for lots more time.

  11. I’m so behind on my blog buddies – and now I read this! Oh, Ann…I wish I could snap my fingers and be there to give you and Poe and Mo hugs. I know just how you feel – the not knowing about a loved dog is so hard! No shame in crying and crying when you are scared.
    I sure do hope your daughter finds her earring, but if not, remind her that the love of her grandfather is with her no matter what!! xo Jackie

  12. Oh Ann, I’m so sorry to read about Mo and Poe’s health issues. I can absolutely empathize with you having had to make that difficult decision recently as you know. I am sending healthy thoughts and vibes, eagle eye vision for finding lost earrings and hugs. I too rarely cry, but when it comes to my animals I am a total wreck. It just means that you love them so very much and that you feel helpless that you can’t kiss it and make it all better. I know that you are a wonderful mom to your animals and that they will and have thrived under that love. I hope it is all fixable with minimal invasive procedures for the pups. And that earring? It will turn up as soon as you give up hope. I thought I had lost my engagement ring at the gym, gave it up for lost, started the insurance claim and viola, it was in the pocket of my robe, where it never should have been! If worse comes to worse, you can always have a second earring made to match the first. But I think you’ll find it when you least expect it.

    Good luck and hugs to you sweetie.

  13. Oh, Ann. These pups are just like family. And, like with family, we love dearly, we feel immensely, and they affect us deeply. Poe’s eye, if it doesn’t recover, will not affect him in the long – or short – run. As I’ve said, it takes an awful lot to keep a pug down – their quirky personalities transcend even something that we humans deem as important as an eye. As much as you will worry, he isn’t in pain and he probably doesn’t care much about the whole thing as long as he can still play, run, and torment the other creatures in the household.

    Mo, well, 10 years is a good life for a dog. But the vet has some promising ideas, and I do hope that he is able to recover.

    As for the earring…I just found a diamond cross necklace that I lost in the renovation about 10 months ago. It was stuck in the wall behind a shelf in the last remaining intact room (a bathroom). I had made peace with the losing, much as it pained me, but five days ago bang – there it appeared. I will keep my fingers crossed that the earring pops up…one day, when you least expect it, to bring a smile to your face.

    Many hugs for both you and the pooches!

  14. There I was, off having personal crises and crying jags of my own, and not paying attention to my dear friends when lo and behold, you’re freaking out, too! I’m so sorry I didn’t get here sooner. Not that I have anything terribly helpful to say, but I do have lots of sympathy for your situation, Ann. Things like this are so tough, and pets are family. I hope it all turns out well and that your distress eases up.

  15. Ann, I’m so sorry to hear about your doggies. I do have to echo what everyone else is saying, though… For Poe’s eye, be hopeful, but remember that vision isn’t as important to dogs as it is to us – they get most of their info through their schnoz. So as long as Poe can sniff, he’s probably not missing that eye much at all. And Mo’s story makes me optimistic – I think he’ll pull through (you’re feeding him pork chops, after all!).
    And good luck finding the earring. I lost my wedding ring once for 8 months, and finally found it again in a purse, in a pocket that I had searched through at least 10 times. I think it went through a tiny black hole into another dimension, and then came back, but who knows!

    Take care and {{{hugs}}}.

  16. I hope both Mo and Poe are improving with each day. I am glad to hear that Mo is still with us and that he has a good chance of recovery. Sorry to hear all the stress you have been under. As for the diamond that is likely to show up where you least expect it. You know it is ok to cry, you are human after all.

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